Writing this blog has been quite helpful for me. I was never into reading blogs before; it was just one more online thing to not have time for. Like Facebook and LinkedIn. Let alone just plain old email. I prefered hardcopy. Such as handwritten letters that someone actually picks up from your house by hand and delivers by hand. Remarkable! A disappearing art. Plus there’s no pressure of time, no response needed with a real-world letter or card. You can just think about it and enjoy it.
When I was pregnant with Jack I started a baby journal and wrote in it all the way up to Lydia’s birth. I want to give it to him someday so he can see how we adore him and recorded his first adventures. I intended to start one for Lydia but I could never quite shake the feeling she might never read it. Even before the MRI. I actually bought myself a very small notebook at one point in the hopes of taking the pressure off and getting myself to write to her.
I wrote one entry, just after the MRI –
She’s here. She’s warm. She’s sweet. She’s Jack’s little sister. We are so lucky.
I just have to do the best I can. Be as as strong as I can muster. That’s what overcoming is. I am this person now.
Crying crying and crying. Just seems to leak out irregardless of me. Heart crawling up my throat to escape the pain. No. No. No.
I love her and can accept who she’ll be no matter what. I just wish her brain had formed correctly. I just wish her brain had formed correctly. I just wish her brain had formed correctly. Now let that go and do, act, move – there is redemption in action, comfort in motion. I am this person now.
Since then, this blog has become my Lydia journal. Writing this blog helps because I can’t write to just Lydia anymore, I can’t carry her childhood on my own. Her story is bigger than our little family.
So thank you for being there my friends. Your responses, emails, calls, cards and visits have been a great comfort. That you listen means we aren’t alone in this. It means she isn’t alone in this. It means she has a lot of people who will understand her and not be scared or disgusted by her. She is and will be loved. Carried. Treasured.
Thank you sincerely.