A month later and it’s still holy shit. I guess we are still in the shocked phase or maybe this is the new way of things: waking up in the morning and being struck all over again. There is so much loss, burden, hope and love all mixed up in every thought regarding her. It is an intensity I feel completely unprepared to handle. Not that anyone prepares for this kind of thing, but maybe if I had some kind of coping mechanism…anything from religious zeal to alcoholism, I might be able to stop running my thoughts in the hamster wheel of insatiable sorrow. But I’m a subconscious skeptic who can’t stick with anything. So there you go. I am not expecting to escape the pain of this. But I have got to keep it together. Jack. Mark. Lydia. That scene from Dumbo keeps coming into my head – where mama elephant is rocking Dumbo through the bars of her ‘mad elephant’ cage. What a terribly sad movie. Disney was hardcore in those days. Another scene I keep replaying is from NeverEnding Story where Artax and Atreyu are making their way through the Swamps of Sadness. Right now my horse is drowning in the mud.
And there you have it, yet another 80’s reference on this blog.